Life and Other Complications Page 14

  “So I called the court in Boston. They told me that Richard Wallace is accused of a long list of things, including child rape.”

  There was no air.

  Luke looked right at me. “I only know one person who lived in Boston as a child.”

  I wanted to run away. But I couldn’t move.

  This was my fault. I was stupid enough to say on video that I hadn’t told my friends, including my boyfriend. Of course, Ms. Stone had noticed that. It was why she had asked me for the name of my boyfriend. So she could drag him into court.

  “Did you know him?” Luke said.

  I nodded. “He was my mom’s boyfriend.”

  “When you were how old?”

  “Six and seven.”

  Luke’s breaths were uneven, and his voice was low. “Did he hurt you?”

  I nodded. “That’s how I got HIV.”

  I saw the rage overtake his face, saw it spread through his body, clenching his muscles and tightening his jaw until he looked more like stone than flesh. For the first time in my life, he terrified me.

  Luke moved, and my arms came up to protect my head. I heard the impact crashing above me. Dust and wood fragments showered down.

  When I peeked out, Luke was on his feet, and there was a hole where his fist had broken through the shed wall.

  His face was livid, until he saw mine.

  Luke closed his eyes and forced himself to pull in deep breaths. His muscles were still tight as he crouched down in front of me. But his voice was quiet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  I had to work to push words past the lump in my throat. “I lied to you.”

  Luke was frowning. “Aly, I’m not angry at you.”

  I didn’t understand.

  “It’s the man who hurt you that I want to kill.” Pain was mixing in with the rage on his face. “You were six years old.”

  It was agony to see him like that and know it was my fault. I couldn’t look at his face. So I looked down and saw his hand.

  “You’re bleeding,” I said.

  “I’m fine.”

  But he wasn’t. There was blood dripping from his right hand. He was hurt, because of me. That’s not how love is supposed to work. I looked around the shed for anything I could use for a bandage. But there was nothing clean.

  “We have to wrap your hand,” I said.

  “We don’t.”

  I had to fix this.

  “Here.” Luke started to rip a strip of cloth off the bottom of his shirt.

  “Don’t ruin your shirt.”

  Luke tore it free anyway. “I don’t care about the shirt.”

  His hand looked terrible. He needed to go home and clean off the cuts before they got infected. He needed a real bandage. He needed to get away from me.

  But Luke didn’t leave. He wrapped the strip of cloth around his bleeding knuckles, and then he slid in behind me, his legs framing mine, his arms wrapping around me. At first, I didn’t know what to do. But he just held me. And eventually I pressed back into his chest. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I just knew that Luke hadn’t left me. And eventually, I found my voice again.

  “I never meant to lie about how I got HIV. That first day in group when Marcus called it the sex disease, I panicked. I was so scared of what you all would think of me if you knew how I got HIV, so I lied. And then we became friends, and I didn’t know how to undo it. You were my only friends, and I lied to you over and over again. I am so sorry.”

  “It hurts that you didn’t trust us,” Luke said. And I could hear the pain in those words. “But it’s forgiven.”

  “It isn’t forgivable.”

  “It’s already done. When I was trying to make sense of the subpoena, I had to at least consider the possibility that Wallace hurt you and that was how you got HIV. I just didn’t want it to be true.”

  My throat tightened. “Because it would mean I lied.”

  And that I’m filthy.

  “Because it would mean you went through hell. And you’ve carried it around all this time. That I didn’t figure it out.”

  “I didn’t want you to figure it out.”

  “Why?” Luke said.

  So many reasons. I told him one. “I thought you would leave.”

  His arms tightened, holding me closer. “I’m right here.”

  We sat there wrapped up in each other on the floor of an old tool shed for a long time.

  It was Luke who eventually broke the silence. “Why is the trial now?”

  “The DA decided that there wasn’t enough evidence to get a conviction in my case. So they dropped the charges. Now Rick has been arrested for another girl and they want me to testify, to show a pattern.”

  Luke kissed my hair. “He’s not going to win this time.”

  “The defense subpoenaed you because I never told you. They’re going to claim I made the whole thing up.”

  “But they know he abused you,” Luke said.

  “It doesn’t matter. All that matters is what the prosecution can prove.”

  I could hear Mr. Raleigh’s voice and Ms. Stone’s, both asking me questions I didn’t want to ever answer, especially not in front of a room full of people. Especially not in front of Luke.

  I looked down at Luke’s arms still wrapped around me. “I need you to do something for me.”

  “Anything.”

  “I need you to stay out of the courtroom during my testimony.”

  “Why?”

  I bit my lip. “Because I don’t want you to hear that story.”

  “I won’t punch anything,” Luke said.

  “It’s not that.”

  “Then what?”

  The tears were coming back. “I want you to still look at me like I’m good.”

  “That’s not going to change.” He sounded like he meant it.

  “But you don’t know what happened.”

  “Then maybe you should tell me.”

  My voice was shaking. “Please don’t ask me to do that.”

  “Aly, look at me.”

  I didn’t want to.

  But I knew I owed him that much. So I slowly turned to look at him.

  His eyes were as intense as I had ever seen them. But his voice was quiet. “If we’re going to work, you’re going to have to trust me.”

  He didn’t know what he was asking. He couldn’t. But apparently, I was too drained to be thinking rationally, because I said, “I’ll tell you. But please, not here.”

  “Mom and Dad are at the lake. We can go there.”

  It was away from Caroline and bought me some time. So I nodded and let Luke help me to my feet.

  We went to the Harrisons’ house first. In the kitchen, Luke pulled out a medical kit the size of a toolbox.

  “Your mother takes first aid seriously,” I said.

  “She has a reputation to keep up.”

  He pulled off his makeshift bandage, and we both looked at his hand. The cuts weren’t bleeding anymore. But his skin was bloodied and bruising. Luke opened the kit and put the supplies he needed on the counter.

  “Can you help me?” he said.

  I took a step back. “You have open cuts.”

  “You aren’t bleeding, Aly. You can touch my hand.”

  I looked up to study his face, but there was no concern there, no hidden fear.

  “You aren’t going to hurt me,” he said.

  He sounded sure. But it still took me a few seconds before I could make myself move closer to him. And my hands still felt unsteady as I opened a package of sterile gauze and doused it with hydrogen peroxide. I carefully took Luke’s right hand in my left and started to clean the blood off his skin.

  I hesitated when I reached the cuts across his knuckles. But then I carefully cleaned away the dried blood and applied the antibiotic ointment. He was going to have some nasty looking bruises, but nothing should get infected.

  “Thank you,” Luke said.

  I didn’t know if he should be thanking me. If
it hadn’t been for me, he wouldn’t have hurt his hand in the first place. But at the same time, I was grateful for even a small chance to take care of him.

  Luke threw some clothes in a bag and then we headed to the Millers’. I half hoped Mrs. Miller would tell me I couldn’t go. But no one was home when we got to the house. I packed a bag, wrote the Millers a note, and climbed back into Luke’s car.

  We’re headed south now. I keep telling myself it’s going to be okay, that telling him won’t be as bad as I think. But the truth is I don’t know what’s going to happen.

  Sunday, June 26

  The Harrisons’ lake house is small, just two bedrooms, a bathroom, and one room that serves as the living room, dining room and kitchen all in one. When we were kids, Luke, Caroline and I used to sleep in sleeping bags in the main room and wake up to the smell of blueberry pancakes. Mrs. Harrison always seemed happy to have me. But that was before Luke got subpoenaed because of me. And before the Harrisons found out I had lied. I didn’t know what kind of reception I was going to have now.

  But the Harrisons weren’t surprised to see me, or hostile when Luke and I showed up at the lake yesterday.

  “Aly, we’re glad you’re here,” Mrs. Harrison said. “You’re going to sleep in the boys’ room. Luke can sleep on the couch.”

  I didn’t want to kick Luke out of his own bed, but his mother’s tone was final. So, I didn’t argue.

  I tried to help with dinner, failed to eat it, and finally went to bed. I thought I would lay awake for hours, but I was so exhausted I fell asleep almost immediately.

  This morning, I woke up in a soft bed surrounded by covers that smelled faintly of Luke. And I felt safe—for the five seconds before I remembered what happened yesterday and why we were here.

  Last night, Luke’s parents were talking about taking the boat out today. So, I came downstairs wearing a t-shirt and shorts over my bathing suit. But Luke wasn’t dressed for the water.

  “I thought we could use the time to talk,” he said.

  It was why we were here. And why I wanted to go on the boat.

  But Reverend and Mrs. Harrison left without us. From a window, I watched their small boat grow smaller as it sailed out onto the lake. I hated how quiet the house was now that it was just the two of us. It felt like the walls were closing in around me.

  “Can we go outside?” I said.

  “We can go wherever you want.”

  So I walked out onto the back deck. The fresh air was better. From the deck I could see the lake and an expanse of sky. I chose an Adirondack chair, and Luke dragged another around to face me. We sat there, our chairs so close that our knees were almost touching, while I tried to work up the courage to say the words.

  I looked at Luke’s t-shirt, studying the fabric as if I had never seen it before. I don’t remember bringing my knees up. But then they were there, pressed up against my chest.

  Slowly, I told him about meeting Rick, about moving into his house, about Rick blurring the lines and then breeching them completely. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Luke’s face, so I watched his hands. More than once, they looked ready to hit something. But Luke didn’t say anything. He just listened.

  When I got to Rick’s birthday, I wanted to stop. I wanted this to be over. To not have to tell him what happened next. But if I stopped here, I didn’t know if I would ever tell him the rest.

  “Whatever it is, you can tell me,” Luke said.

  I kept seeing the disgust on Mama’s face when I tried to tell her. The thought of that same look taking over Luke’s face was unbearable. But I didn’t think I could go back to living in dread either. Luke was right. If this was going to work, I was going to have to trust him, even with the horrible parts.

  I took a deep breath and tried to calm down, but my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. Luke reached over to hold my hand. And finally, I said the words.

  “I took off my clothes. I lay down on the bed. I did everything he told me to do.” I felt sick. But I had to finish this. “Sometimes he hurt me. Sometimes he didn’t. Sometimes his touch felt almost good.”

  Shame was drowning me. And silence stretched out between us. Luke couldn’t even talk to me. He was too disgusted. I knew that.

  When his hand touched my cheek, I jumped.

  “Aly, look at me.”

  I didn’t want to look at him ever again.

  But he said, “Please.” Just like he had the night he first told me he loved me.

  It’s always the “please” that undoes me. I slowly lifted my eyes and looked at him.

  “It wasn’t your fault,” Luke said.

  I shook my head. He didn’t understand.

  “My body—”

  “Did exactly what it’s designed to do. Exactly what he knew it would do.” Luke was looking straight into my eyes. “He set you up, from the beginning. He knew how to manipulate you into doing what he wanted, how to make you feel dirty and guilty so you would keep the secret. But you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “I gave in,” I whispered.

  Luke nodded. “I know. And I’m glad. If you hadn’t it could have been worse. And I can’t stand the idea of Wallace hurting you any more than he already did.”

  I stared at Luke.

  He has never been good at masks. He was right. His love for me had been all over his face. Caroline had seen it. Even Kyle had seen it. I had only missed it because I was so convinced that no one could ever love me that way. But Luke’s face doesn’t lie.

  And today, as I looked at him, there was no revulsion in his expression. There was love and rage and heart break. But no disgust when he looked at me.

  His right hand closed around mine. “None of it was your fault. Rick raped you.”

  I’ve never used that word. It’s too violent. Too one-sided.

  But I knew that Luke was right.

  I loved Rick. I trusted him. And he raped me.

  Sobs were building up in my chest, tears sliding down my cheeks. I don’t remember moving, but I felt Luke’s shirt against my cheek and his arms wrapping around me. And finally, I let myself cry.

  I cried for the six-and-seven-year-old little girl who had been trapped in a nightmare and for the eight-year-old who was too terrified to tell her friends the truth. I cried for the girl who knew that she was too dirty to ever be loved, for the girl who was drowning in shame.

  I cried until there was nothing left inside of me.

  Dried tears coated my skin and an ache still lingered in my chest. I was exhausted and empty, and somehow a little freer.

  Luke hugged me tighter and then stood up, taking my hand. “Come on.”

  I let him lead me off the back deck and around to the outside shower. It’s just a shower head jutting out from the side of the house with a sandy drain beneath it. A makeshift shelf held bottles of shampoo and body wash.

  Luke reached over to turn on the shower. This seemed slightly insane, but I was too tired to argue. And once I stepped into the shower and felt the warm water hit my face, I was able to pull in a deep breath.

  Luke took a bottle of body wash off the shelf. The water was plastering his shirt to his back, but he didn’t seem to care. He just put a little soap on his fingers and reached toward me. I closed my eyes and just felt the gentleness of his touch against my skin. Slowly, methodically Luke washed the dried tears from my cheeks and my throat.

  When he was done, he stepped back, and let the water rinse it all away.

  Shame feeds on secrets. But Luke knew. And he was still here. He knew everything, and he still loved me. Was willing to get soaked for me. And as I realized that, I felt shame lose its grip.

  “I didn’t think it was possible for someone to know all of this and still love me,” I said.

  Luke stroked my wet cheek. “You are so brilliant about so many things. But you have a lot to learn about love.”

  He was right. But in that moment, I didn’t care. I leaned forward and felt his arms wrap around me. We were both
soaked, but we just stayed there, wrapped up in each other.

  When the water finally turned cold, Luke turned off the shower and took my hand. We walked back toward the house together. It was as we were rounding the corner, that we heard a car coming down the gravel driveway.

  “Who’s here?” I asked

  “I could only guess.”

  We turned the corner and saw Caroline getting out of her car.

  My steps slowed. “You called her?”

  “I just told her where we were.”

  “Did you tell her—”

  “No.”

  Caroline started walking straight toward me. There was no smile on her lips, no devilish glint in her eyes. Her face was as serious as I had ever seen it. And she was walking toward me with so much force I wanted to step back. But I didn’t. I just stood there, ready for whatever she was going to throw at me.

  Caroline didn’t yell at me or slap me. She threw her arms around me and hugged me, soaking wet clothes and all. I didn’t know what to do but hug her back.

  “I’m sorry,” I told her again.

  “I wasn’t thinking,” she said. “When I finally stopped acting like a complete ass, I remembered that this is you. And if you lied there was a reason. I just didn’t like any of the options I came up with.”

  “You aren’t going to like the truth either,” I said.

  “I’ll live.” Caroline took in our soaked clothes and Luke’s hand. “You really need to start talking.”

  “Dry clothes first,” I said.

  We walked into the house, and I went into the boys’ room to change. When I got back, I found Caroline sitting on the couch.

  “Luke went to the store,” she said.

  It was just the two of us in the house. But I felt different than this morning. I didn’t want to tell this story again. But the shame wasn’t strangling me the way it had a few hours earlier. I sat down next to Caroline. And for the second time today, I told the story of what happened after Mama and I moved in with Rick. I gave her the short version. But it was still enough to send her spewing off curses I had never heard before.

  I loved her for that. Because we get angry at the idea of someone hurting the people we love.

  “Where was your mom in all this?” Caroline said when she had finally run out of expletives.